I love Sad Boyz

I've been feeling significantly better now that winter is over. Halfway through my birthday month, I usually feel significantly more positive about life. It's been extremely challenging to journal & making content online. I've been feeling really distant from that man I married, especially after last year when I was hospitalized. I had to really take hold of my mental health & think about what is best for me & my kids.

I've been separated on & off for the past 4 years & I just don't love my husband anymore. He is perpetually cruel & manipulative & I can't pretend anymore that this relationship is good for me. I just want to raise my kids & watch them grow up, & I don't need him to do that. I feel like I'm crawling out from under this dark, oppressive weight. Like I've been masking in my own home for over a dozen years.

I've been keeping myself company by watching podcasts of people I admire, especially successful content creators. A few of them are hosted by men who are in touch with their feelings, are funny, & treat people with respect, especially women. Not these toxic internet alpha bros. I have a mental health book signed by the author who has 2 podcasts that make me feel in touch with my femininity & sanity.

I'm also no-contact with my family because I can't trust them & I have to wear a mask around them. I'm done pretending like they love me or understand me or want me around. I'm fed up with pretending to be someone they'll accept when I don't like being around them. I'm always on edge with them. Eventually, maybe I'll find people who appreciate me & love me the way I deserve, but right now that is limited to just my kids. & I'm okay with that. I'm not going to love anyone other than them & myself. No one else deserves my time & energy.